the way you ignored me tonight made me want to die
how do I stop caring about you? how do I stop needing your approval? how do I stop longing for you to want me?
Tonight I stared out into the city imagining what it would be like to dance with you, to just completely let go and be free. I’m happiest when I’m singing, dancing, just feeling music, letting myself feel everything I can, letting my soul pour out, like a star exploding or a volcano erupting. That’s all I want in this world, to feel that euphoria and to let others feel it. That’s so important to me. I could never do that with him… and I almost convinced myself this was grounds he was not good enough.. but I love him far too much for that. he thinks it’s a skill, but all you’re doing is feeling. but I will try it with him the next chance I have.
The more I imagine you though, the less real you become. You become distorted. I distort your face, your personality, I distort you into loving me. The way I would want you to. You will become that distortion, you are a green light on a dock. When you speak to me I’m crushed that you are real. As I remember a boy that once loved me, I will start to forget your blue eyes.
I dreamt I kissed you and it was wonderful.
I was tingling and shaking and trembling and I felt like I was on fire, like I could soar, like anything was possible, like I was free.
but I woke up.
I hate when you talk to me, I hate when you call. Every single time, without fail, I think it will make things better, bur every single time it makes everything worse. It’s like I was enjoying what I thought was contently living, but once you open your mouth and you start telling stories - real or fiction - you weave my feelings all around themselves in ways I could never imagine. You set me on fire. The past and the present morph into this mundane existence, empty and barren and cold and meaningless. You rip off the bandage, and I feel the wound. But you make it seem like that’s reality, as if the happiness I felt was a facade. And once the veil has been lifted, what’s left behind is the truth I never wanted, the truth I fear, the wasteland that is my life when I’m not fooling myself, and every step I take there makes me crave you more. Makes me yearn for you more, for that feeling of being set on fire. You always talk about creating the world, that’s how I feel. You create me from nothing. Everything I know seems like it’s a lie to keep me from living fully, completely. You show me that lie. That’s what I hate, because you make me question what is reality and what is in my mind, and even when I think I have them straight, you make me want to live within the other.
Thats what you do to me, thats what you do to my mind. You don’t even realize it; I haven’t fully realized it myself. You leave me with this feeling that no matter how much I convince myself that I’m happy, I’m not. Thats what you do to me, thats what you do to my mind. You leave me with this feeling that no matter how much I convince myself that I’m happy, I’m not.
